Charlie Farlie cat detective, how I miss you xxxxx

It's been two years since my little fur baby Charlie left this earth. The night of May 20th 2007 Charlie was having enormous trouble breathing. I couldn't contact the vet, so I stayed awake all night with her on my bed. I feared that every shallow and desperate breath would be her last. At 8am I rushed her to the vets, got back home and got the kids to school. The vet called me a few hours later, informing me that my beautiful Russian Blue baby probably had a pulmonary tumour. I was knocked for six. The vet was very understanding, explained what they would and could do to treat her in the short term without needing to do anything invasive. So many thoughts and questions went through my head...was I being a tight arse to not want to contemplate all these tests, surgeries etc. Did I really want them to have to cut her open, only to find that she was riddled with cancer???? I was fighting all the demons in my mind. I cried to the Vet over the phone.....it was all so much to take in. One minute she was my Charlie Koala, eating, drinking, cuddling....the next she is dying. That night she stayed in the vet hospital and it was painful. Charlie was put in an oxygen tank to help her breathe. Tracy and I went down to see her and it broke my bloody heart. She heard my voice and wanted to get out of the tank. I almost could not leave that night. The news in the morning was positive. She was breathing on her own and happier in herself. Then I got a call just before lunch. Not good news. Charlie was unable to use her back legs. It appeared that she had developed a clot....no matter how long we left her, the clot would eventually kill her. The decision had essentially been made for me in regard to all the tests, operations etc....my baby was going to die.

I drove to the vet hospital (God knows how) and sat by Charlie's cage, hoping and willing her to stand up and walk to me. What faced me broke my heart. She was trying to crawl to me using her front legs......she was panting....she looked so sad. I have photos of Charlie during this time but I can't bear to put them up here. I just can't look at them, even two years later. At this point the Vet asked me if I would like to be present when Charlie was put to sleep. I was in two minds, but didn't want Charlie to be on her own. Lucy the Vet was fantastic, she explained everything to me......handed me tissue after tissue after tissue. I held Charlie....I told her that it was all going to be ok, she was sooooo loved.......Lucy injected Charlie......and then she left us. It was scary and totally devastating for me....I had just lost my best friend of 12 years. She had been my unconditional love. My confidante. We depended on each other. Lucy put Charlie back into the cage and covered her with a blanket but so I could see her head and face. I sat on the cold, bare floor and sobbed my heart out. I cried and cried and cried. All the other animals looked at me puzzled (probably thinking 'Those humans are so odd') I wanted to stay there forever, I wanted to never leave this place without my Charlie. In a conversation to my wonderfully sympathetic Mum (who knew and loved Charlie) earlier that day, she had so kindly offered to pay for Charlie's cremation by 'Pets At Peace'......so I somehow got myself off the floor and to the front desk.....and there I stayed crying for another hour or so......I had to fight myself to not go back into the treatment area where I knew they would have put Charlie into a cardboard box or something similar (although I begged the staff to be 'gentle' with Charlie after I left) I think I cried for at least 6 months after Charlie left us. Getting her ashes was a difficult night. The kids and I cried for an hour or so. Pets At Peace were so wonderful, I almost felt guilty of using them as a counselling service. The vet hospital was also great. My kids were really angry at me for not letting them say goodbye to Charlie......so I took Sorcha to the cage where Charlie was, and she met the vet that looked after Charlie.....it was a bit of closure for her I think.

I guess most of you are thinking 'Oh she was just a cat' and I have to disagree! To you, she may have been 'just a cat' but to me, she was the world! Charlie came to me at a very chaotic time in my life....she came down from Qld with me and went through all the ups and downs that I went through. We moved a few times, she dealt with it most of the time........she always got pissed off if I went away (would ignore me for a few days after I got home) She was the only living thing in my life that could tolerate me...and still give me cuddles even if I was a cranky bitch.

Charlie Farlie......Charlie Koala......cat detective......I will never stop loving you or missing you. You made such a difference in my life. People who don't have animals will not understand the bond that we had.....and that is ok....I even miss you prodding my stomach until it bled! You will never be forgotten xxxxxxxxxxxx

Enough tears already...

I think I have cried every day now for the last 3 weeks. Well, in fact, I KNOW I have. Obviously I am not talking about endless buckets of tears....but I have cried at least once every day for at least 21 days. Not a great thing at all. I mean, let's be honest here...it is NOT unusual for me to cry at 'RSPCA rescue' or 'Find My Family' on telly. Hell, I will even shed a tear at a soppy advertisement. But the tears that I have been crying are tears of frustration, hate, despair, fear and confusion and it has to stop. Take today for example. Morning up until 9.01am is as 'normal' as normal is in my household on a weekday. Me telling to the kids to get organised for school (and breaking up their fights) and trying hard not to tie their shoelaces around their necks...... I dropped Jordy off at school, then off to take Sorcha (who seemed happy to go to school today). I knew as soon as we got in eye sight of the classroom that today was going to be 'one of those shit days'. She grabbed my hand and started to cry. Bloody hell, here we go again! I do all the 'right' things...ignore the tears, walk calmly up to the classroom and attempt to put her bag on the hook. This is where the fun starts. "My eye hurts Mummy" (she hurt it over the weekend. Yes there is a cut on it, but she is in no pain!) "I don't want to go to in there. I don't like my teacher".....etc.....etc.....you get the picture. At this stage she is now crying hysterically and the teacher motions that the school counsellor is in his office (eg. I am not prepared to deal with this). I go to the office. Mr School Counsellor is busy with the Dep Principal. They tell me to leave her with the teacher (the one that told me to go to the Counsellor). I am feeling a bit flustered by now, and Sorcha's crying has escalated in yelling and throwing herself onto the floor etc. This is the part of these days I love. Standing there helplessly whilst all the executive and administrative staff watch my daughter have a meltdown, and me internally falling apart again. I start walking towards the classroom with screaming child......there is NO way in hell this kid is going to willingly go into the classroom without brute force....(approx 25kg of hysteria) So, I have no choice but to walk back to the car with screaming child in tow. Following behind is Dep Principal. I am absolutely bawling my eyes out by this stage. I have known this teacher for as long as Jordy was in Kindy at another school ( 10 years ). Sorcha gets into the car and I stand on the side of the road crying like a baby. What is the answer here? This is NOT unusual for Sorcha. She has been like this to an extent since I first left her in childcare when she was a baby. So, for over 7 years on a daily basis, I am not sure what I am going to get. A compliant and happy child? Yep, sometimes........ A screaming, hysterical mess??? Yep, sometimes....Can I pick it??? Often I can recognise or predict the triggers.....but today nothing. Not a sign, not a hint. This is why it is so frustrating and upsetting for me. She is not under duress at school. She loves it when she is there. She is intelligent, socially adept, generally a good kid. But when I am around, that all goes to pot. I know other parents have similar issues....Good God, there are some children at Sorcha's school that I would not be able to cope with for more than one minute. Their parents deserve medals! I just feel that when I am trying to do the right thing, it all backfires and we are back to square one. And I am alone.......so bloody alone. No point telling my family about it. I don't need to hear the lectures. So, I come home beside myself and feel like punching every wall in (and then some). I deal with this on my own. I am not a martyr. I am not tough. I am not anything but exhausted and worn down. This is honestly emotionally and physically taking it's toll on me......and to think that I had planned today to go for a walk on my own.....to get some fresh air and clear my mind (doctors orders). Bahhhhh, there must be a law against me having any time on my own!

This of course is not the only thing I cry for, but today it is the main reason. I am sure that tomorrow will be better, only time will tell. It's good to get it off my chest, even though the tightness doesn't go away.
R

Wow, I am not a Blog Virgin anymore.... oh well!

Ok....bit scared here, not sure what to make of all this blog business, not sure if this is something that I will love or hate with a passion. I must clarify something first and foremost.....I must explain the word dagbog!!! It is actually a Danish word meaning 'DIARY'!!!!! I would rather see this as my online diary than 'blog' but the Danish word is soooo close! I love it! My Grandmother's family were Danish, so there is the link, and there is the reason for such a stooooopid but very cool word! I am well aware that I have to put some effort into my profile and all that jazz, I am sure that I will eventually get there.....it's only taken me years to master Facebook. So, I must have a little look around here and get a grip of what I have got myself in to.......Hmmmmm....ok.....see you round like a rissole.... R xxxxx