Enough tears already...

I think I have cried every day now for the last 3 weeks. Well, in fact, I KNOW I have. Obviously I am not talking about endless buckets of tears....but I have cried at least once every day for at least 21 days. Not a great thing at all. I mean, let's be honest here...it is NOT unusual for me to cry at 'RSPCA rescue' or 'Find My Family' on telly. Hell, I will even shed a tear at a soppy advertisement. But the tears that I have been crying are tears of frustration, hate, despair, fear and confusion and it has to stop. Take today for example. Morning up until 9.01am is as 'normal' as normal is in my household on a weekday. Me telling to the kids to get organised for school (and breaking up their fights) and trying hard not to tie their shoelaces around their necks...... I dropped Jordy off at school, then off to take Sorcha (who seemed happy to go to school today). I knew as soon as we got in eye sight of the classroom that today was going to be 'one of those shit days'. She grabbed my hand and started to cry. Bloody hell, here we go again! I do all the 'right' things...ignore the tears, walk calmly up to the classroom and attempt to put her bag on the hook. This is where the fun starts. "My eye hurts Mummy" (she hurt it over the weekend. Yes there is a cut on it, but she is in no pain!) "I don't want to go to in there. I don't like my teacher".....etc.....etc.....you get the picture. At this stage she is now crying hysterically and the teacher motions that the school counsellor is in his office (eg. I am not prepared to deal with this). I go to the office. Mr School Counsellor is busy with the Dep Principal. They tell me to leave her with the teacher (the one that told me to go to the Counsellor). I am feeling a bit flustered by now, and Sorcha's crying has escalated in yelling and throwing herself onto the floor etc. This is the part of these days I love. Standing there helplessly whilst all the executive and administrative staff watch my daughter have a meltdown, and me internally falling apart again. I start walking towards the classroom with screaming child......there is NO way in hell this kid is going to willingly go into the classroom without brute force....(approx 25kg of hysteria) So, I have no choice but to walk back to the car with screaming child in tow. Following behind is Dep Principal. I am absolutely bawling my eyes out by this stage. I have known this teacher for as long as Jordy was in Kindy at another school ( 10 years ). Sorcha gets into the car and I stand on the side of the road crying like a baby. What is the answer here? This is NOT unusual for Sorcha. She has been like this to an extent since I first left her in childcare when she was a baby. So, for over 7 years on a daily basis, I am not sure what I am going to get. A compliant and happy child? Yep, sometimes........ A screaming, hysterical mess??? Yep, sometimes....Can I pick it??? Often I can recognise or predict the triggers.....but today nothing. Not a sign, not a hint. This is why it is so frustrating and upsetting for me. She is not under duress at school. She loves it when she is there. She is intelligent, socially adept, generally a good kid. But when I am around, that all goes to pot. I know other parents have similar issues....Good God, there are some children at Sorcha's school that I would not be able to cope with for more than one minute. Their parents deserve medals! I just feel that when I am trying to do the right thing, it all backfires and we are back to square one. And I am alone.......so bloody alone. No point telling my family about it. I don't need to hear the lectures. So, I come home beside myself and feel like punching every wall in (and then some). I deal with this on my own. I am not a martyr. I am not tough. I am not anything but exhausted and worn down. This is honestly emotionally and physically taking it's toll on me......and to think that I had planned today to go for a walk on my own.....to get some fresh air and clear my mind (doctors orders). Bahhhhh, there must be a law against me having any time on my own!

This of course is not the only thing I cry for, but today it is the main reason. I am sure that tomorrow will be better, only time will tell. It's good to get it off my chest, even though the tightness doesn't go away.
R